the report | vol 18
you must create hot garbage
Here we are, 8 days after I had originally intended on publishing this.
Truthfully, I had written something else entirely. But reading it through, I found it insufferable and nonsensical, and I couldn’t muster the energy to edit it and turn it into something palpable that I would feel remotely stoked to share.
I haven’t been publishing as much over the month, but it’s not entirely for a lack of writing. It’s true that I haven’t had the time or mental space to fully commit to writing anything well thought out or valuable. But honestly, most of what has been coming out of my fingertips has been hot garbage. Truly.
I’ve also felt a little suffocated by one of my posts going viral. It’s honestly amazing and I’m grateful for it, but at the same time, with every restack I just want to shout—but I’ve written so many other things! It feels like I’ll never write another word that could possibly hold up—that that was my last and only worthy thought, that I’ll never write another word that will resonate ever again. Every time I think I have something good to share, it comes out clumsy, half-baked, reeking of self-doubt.
But I’ve come to know that this is all just part of the process. Creativity, like anything else, ebbs and flows, crests and falls (which, ironically, is what I originally had written about). Picasso created over 50,000 works of art, but only about 100 are still relevant.
He even said: Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.
Most of what you create will be shit. But if you want to create something good, you have to keep creating nonetheless.
I debated not sharing this—I publish on Sundays, might as well put it on a shelf, work on what was planning to publish this Sunday, and just wait to publish the next volume of The Report on June 1st, as planned, and I’ll have my shit together by then.
But time is a construct.
reading —
Just finished: Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown: about staying authentic and true to yourself, even when it’s hard or alienating. Good but also made me realize (no shade to Brene) that writing a NY Times Bestselling-caliber book isn’t that hard (I said I was going to spend this year deep in delusion, and I think I’m doing a good job. Also, I was lent this book by a friend who, upon reading it, said I write very similarly to Brene Brown. My ego has never been more inflated.
Just started: When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi: One of my best friends recommended this book to me years ago, and I finally got around to it (I hardly take anyone’s recommendations—a testament to how much I trust her taste).
My husband got to it before me and has been hounding me to hurry up and read it so we can talk about it—a very good sign. So far: it’s beautiful and the writing is excellent.
eating — healing ginger coconut soup
The perfect soup for when you’re not quite ready to give up soup but it’s too warm for the hearty soups of winter. It’s light and herbaceous and SO good.
playing —
Two videos that I will bring up to anyone who will listen and figure out ways to bring up in totally unrelated conversations:
Jacob Collier Improvises with the National Orchestra
There’s nothing I love more than seeing people in their genius. This is that, on crack.
I don’t even know how many people I’ve sent this to at this point. Seeing the timelines of the universe and humanity physically laid out (and compared) is life life-changing perspective that we all desperately need
obsessing over — A Little Book of Poetry
My friend’s 89 year grandmother (the same one who recommended When Breath Becomes Air) wrote a book of poetry—a compilation of her life’s work. My friend and I were on facetime and she read me some of the passages and I immediately needed it in my home. A week later a surprise package arrived with the book, including the sweetest handwritten note that brought me to tears.
The whole thing solidified the following lessons for me:
Always make art, even if it might not be seen by anyone
It’s literally never too late to follow your dreams
Share your art, even if it’s just with a handful of people. Affecting one person is more than enough.
We’re not writing enough handwritten notes
recommending — your local apothecary
I’m in my Witch era. Over a decade ago, I used herbs and adaptogens to get off of SSRIs. It’s something I never really talked about—there’s such a stigma around alternative medicine, and I wanted to be seen as a serious, logical, intelligent person.
But fuck it.
Herbalism is legit, and I’m tired of pretending it’s not.
For a while, I was wondering if my use of plants back in the day was just placebo, but now that I’m in a place where I’m using them for fun, I’m reminded that they really truly work—I feel completely different.
I’ve been going to the apothecary and bulk herb shops, as well as shopping Anima Mundi (a great option if you don’t have a local apothecary) and making custom teas and elixirs to support various organs and bodily processes AND (attempting) to sync them with my cycle. It’s been enlightening and I’m learning a lot, to say the least.
Plants are so dope. Go to your local apothecary, and they’ll be more than happy to teach you all about it.
People who say herbalism is woo-woo pseudoscience need to get a grip.
treating — Raaka Chocolate
There’s something about unroasted chocolate… the flavor is so complex and distinct—fruity, even. Raaka is the only brand I know of that sells it (that you can buy at the store, anyway). It’s been on sale all month at my local Whole Foods, and I cannot resist.