Interestingly, the inability to show micro expressions also leads to a loss of empathy, because one aspect of empathy is that we inadvertently mimic the emotional expressions of others, and that impacts our brain and emotions. This to me is actually the most disturbing aspect of the botox trend.
100%! I’ve been learning a lot about mirror neurons recently so i assume this falls under this? Interestingly i had read your point elsewhere before but didn’t pair the two together.
I had this thought as well! The more we interact with a lack of micro expressions, the less sensitive we will be when we encounter them or are even able to identify them at all, leading to a decreased emotional sensitivity to others
I wonder the impact this will have on crucial developmental stages and bonding with infants. So many things take place when the caregiver attunes and mirrors back the affect and emotional states of the child.
A frozen face through botax and cosmetic modifications isn’t too far off from the flat affect and expressionless faces of a depressed and numb parent, which definitely impacts the relationship and the developing child.
I've been thinking about this as well!! You've sharply pointed it out and if I may add, apart from bonding, what are the children of people who have had plastic surgery implicitly learning about beauty? More than that, they might be learning that their features are not "beautiful" if they can't see the resemblance to their parents.
The graph in the article is disturbing. But maybe all of the procedures are part of that issue too. Maybe men are not properly perceiving age? Or maybe it’s just creepiness?
Yep, this formed part of my training as a (creative, embodied) psychotherapist - taking on the facial expression and bodily position of others allows us to better feel what they may be feeling beyond words.
Also interesting, and sort of a bummer is that when I did get my angry ll s Botoxed, just a little, people treated me a lot better. Like, people actually smiled at me on the street after I left the Botox place. I’m not making this up.
I do spend 375 about 2-3 times a year to get those pissed off looking lines soothed. I still have a lot of age and sag and lines on my 57 year old face. Just thought this little experiment was worth noting. 👍.
Thank you for raising this, once I got my 11s done I stopped getting feedback at work that my facial expressions revealed my thoughts too easily, in other words, Botox helped give me a poker face lol
Well, hopefully you still have some movement there. But I was truly amazed at how not having a resting face that looked angry made others nicer towards me… makes sense really. I don’t see Botox, done lightly in the same category as filler, though I am told it can be done so that it isn’t insane,,,. But I’ll just stick to the tiny Botox twice a year:)
I do have some! I think if we use any one expression too much, for me frowning, Botox can just help correct that a little without making us totally expressionless. I look and sometimes feel less angry/worried without the 11’s. Mine are genetic, my moms are etched in her face far beyond Botox so she encouraged me to get ahead of it.
I think it's disturbing that a study proved people see you as less human and less empathetic if they know you have had plastic surgery. It comes at a social cost due to the stigma against it that you're perpetuating
I want to read this every day until it becomes embedded within my being, until I can look in the mirror and feel completely peaceful - excited even - at the story of time gradually unfolding on my face.
You gotta do affirmations while holding eye contact with yourself in the mirror. Then I hug myself sometimes, or I do a lil dance or I prove I’m not an NPC and make really insane faces in the mirror. Then I smile and admire, then walk away. It takes time.
We don't really have elders in our culture anymore - we mostly have old people. Almost all of the old people I know chase leisure and comfort for themselves. But they don't live in service to others. Whereas, an elder is someone advanced in age who, as evidenced by how they live, it is apparent they love the unborn future whom they will never meet.
What does this have to do with aging? Wrinkles don't indicate wisdom these days. I stayed in a condo complex in Hawaii that attracts boomers. The old people there spent their time reading trashy romance novels and complaining about the height of the grass. The chit chats I had with them in the communal hot tub were about the ways they like to amuse themselves and whether it was pleasing to them or not. There was no depth in these old people; they just talked about themselves and seemed to have no interest in what sort of world they are leaving behind.
Wrinkles, in general, no longer signal the ability to give guidance to a floundering young person. Wrinkles don't tell the young: "Come to me for advice, I will listen. I will help you. I care about you" Since most people are not growing into elders - they're just getting old - of course wrinkles are terrifying! There are a few exceptions of people who age into true elders - like violins that sound more beautiful with each passing year. It's a tragedy really - so many old people who never grew into wisdom, depth, or the ability to guide the young in directions that lead to wisdom, joy, and depth. It's like they never came of age.
Mister Rogers was a true elder... but I struggle to think of anyone else in recent history who was.
76 here. I live in a retirement community of about 2000 people aged 60 and up. There are people I could have babysat for, and people old enough to be my parents. Many of us see ourselves as elders, but popular culture and the people who believe popular culture keep trying to push us into being “old”, not to mention silly, childlike, clueless and ugly. The solution is, as with all stereotypes, to critique, interrogate, and resist. Someday you will be the person that ageism has taught you to hate.
I am 68. I am starting to think that retirement communities narrow our exposure and experiences so that we can make our selves irrelevant simply through exclusion. I am definitely religious but apart from going to church because I believe in the Triune God and desire His gifts, I realize that this group of people includes all ages and also diverse income groups and we care for each other. We also, sometimes in this care, tolerate each other, because we realize our bond is bigger than our annoyances and is what it means to live in faith towards God.
I do both. I have friends from several “elder” generations in my community (a very diverse population of over 2,000 individuals) and continuing relationships with people of all ages through my religious, ftf, and correspondence communities. The small town we lived in before moving here was, oddly enough, more siloed. Not all communities - retirement and otherwise - are alike. Just like people!
I am enjoying the engagement here, Trudy. Deciding where to live at any stage of life is a challenge, isn’t it? It feels like musical chairs sometimes. At some point there are no more options, and you hope that last chair is a good one.
To life a life focused on leisure and retirement would be such a privilege. And to have enough money to live in a community of people all doing that. We youngers can't even imagine such luxury.
The term elder is an interesting one - it is not a title one can give themselves - it is bestowed upon someone by the youngers.
But how can we discern who is worthy of the title of “elder” if we dismiss a person with wrinkles as “merely old” and assume they are not worth knowing better? I described my living situation to explain the context of my observation of its diversity, not to flaunt my privilege. I have the opportunity to meet with hundreds of people who are all “old” in very different ways. Some of my neighbors are the way you describe yours in Hawaii, but I will tell you a secret. Retirement doesn’t make a wise, giving person into a lazy, shallow curmudgeon, nor does just being old. They were probably always materialistic and shallow, long before they became older. Yes, people can grow in wisdom as long as they are alive. I consider those who do, even when society ignores or discards them because they are no longer young to be “elders”. I hope that’s what I am becoming, wrinkles and all.
Wisdom must be learnt yes, but in current cultures each generation is so cut off from the other that we are unable to see who the wise are. Wrinkles and grey hair do not mean old. Age fifty and sixty doesn’t mean old. Old doesn’t mean the same type of person. It never has. Elders are respected for their wisdom not because they are just old.
Our adolescent society has stopped producing elders… have you read Bill Plotkin? He’s written a thesis for human development in “Nature and the Human Soul” that explains why this is, and offers an alternative from a spiritual/indigenous perspective rooted in nature. Curious your thoughts!
A thought that occurs to me now that I have a daughter who looks just like me--how will it feel for Anne Hathaway or Emma Stone or the Kardashians when their daughters start to look like their mothers did before all of the plastic surgery?
As a mom, I imagine that it will be (maybe already is) painful for them to look at their daughters who they love so much, but whom they no longer resemble because they've altered their faces with surgery. And when their daughter complains about her small eyes or big nose or whatever - how can mom tell her daughter that she's beautiful just the way she is?
I agree! Also, I think about the fact that young children learn empathy by reading their parents’ micro-expressions and I wonder how this is affecting so many little kids growing up with a parent with a frozen face.
It makes me feel really bad for people like Kylie Jenner, who has a mother with a drastically altered face and was pushed into getting plastic surgery when she was really young. Some crazy age like 14 or 15. And sure, she can dry her tears with $100 bills. She has virtually unlimited resources to “deal” with the emotional problems this likely causes, but I doubt she’s the only one in this situation
There’s a thousand other girls who got these procedures and didn’t become rich and famous. I remember watching documentary on Venezuelan beauty pageants years ago and they had a huge segment talking about how damaging the rampant plastic surgery is. Many young girls die from complications even in routine surgeries
I think about the lawn thing ALL THE TIME! Fuck lawns! It is interesting that you compare it to plastic surgery, essentially. Injecting Botox into your face and putting pesticides on the lawn are very similar actions... contaminating nature with poisons. I am 48 and I've been getting Botox, on and off, since I was 44. Now I'm thinking of giving it up, not just because of your post, but other things I've read recently. It seems very courageous to me to embrace aging naturally.
And what's so funny about lawns - and makes Erin's point perfectly - is that the descendants of the people who invented lawns as a status symbol, are now rewilding as a... status symbol. This 2001 Tatler article is literally titled: How Embracing Sustainability Became the New Status Symbol. https://www.tatler.com/gallery/sustainable-landowners-aristocrats-rewilding Meanwhile, in my pretty solidly middle class urban neighborhood people, many of whom are first generation homeowners, invest so much of their time, labor and money making sure their little individual patches of land are permanently green, perfectly manicured, and bug free.
In the interest of maintaining a healthy and vibrant expression, I've started (a bit late) a skincare routine that avoids anything to do with needles-- and Peaches skin care has been hugely helpful for me; I haven't even tried any of the products yet, but the woman who owns the company is a lovely person, and gives such helpful and meaningful advice.
Yes, I know I sound sponsored in saying this, but it's truly been the best source of information and guidance I've encountered so far-- she's all about natural beauty and embracing your own unique features/experience.
This was lovely and prescient. I always look to Isabella Rossellini as my guide for beautiful aging, she has done very little to alter her appearance as she grows older and predominantly talks about her sheep farm. What a great way to advance in age!
I'm lucky (?) enough to look significantly younger than I am. I'm in my mid-30s and often get mistaken for a teenager or early 20-something. I know there's a lot of privilege to looking younger, but there are also lots of drawbacks. People often talk to me in a way that seems slightly condescending -- I don't think it's malicious, but the knowledge and experiences you assume a 35-year-old has are different than those you assume a 21-year-old has. It's been an ongoing struggle to be taken seriously in my career, and I even wonder if clients believe me when I say I have 15 years of experience in my field. I'm also recently out of a relationship and curious how it will affect dating -- do I want to date the type of man who wants a woman who looks 15 years younger than himself?
I'm curious if women doing cosmetic surgery and treatments experience these same issues.
I’m in the same boat—a couple of years ago I got told under 16s get a discount to the botanical garden I was buying a ticket for. I was 35 at the time. It seems like it’s a welcome predicament to find yourself in, but the truth is I often feel like it makes me an unserious person. Say I’m wearing more “adult” clothes—I end up worrying they make me look like boss baby. But I don’t want to wear “younger” clothes because they just reinforce the idea that I’m younger than I am. And it may seem trivial but I feel like it is, in a way, an obstacle to showing up authentically in the world as myself. I wonder how many people get plastic surgery and feel completely removed from themselves.
I love this comment, and also I'm sorry you have to deal with that. One of my favorite things about getting older and looking older is that people, especially men, talk to me more respectfully.
I know this is a pretty old post now but your comment really resonated with me. While getting older may make women less sexually desirable (from society’s pov), I do think it also comes with being more respected and taken much more seriously in other facets of life, like professionally.
I loved this article. I personally love getting older, and although I'd be lying if I said I never thought about changing something (not my face, though), I still maintain that natural is beautiful. You make an excellent point with "If you don’t know what you value, the world will make up your mind for you". We are told that we must look a certain way to be valued. I call BS on that. Be your unique, beautiful self and live your truth. Really great writing!
I know I'm not your intended audience with this piece, but I found it fascinating! I love smart, meandering writing where you can just put yourself in the writer's hands and feel confident it'll be an interesting trip.
I already knew the reason behind powdered wigs, but never thought about lawns and certainly never made the leap to plastic surgery. Brava!
I know it's different for men, but I struggle sometimes with the aging process. Ultimately, though, I'm facing it with more grace as time passes. I'm actually working on a post about the differences between Greek and Roman statues on this theme (most Greek statues of elites erase wrinkles and imperfections; Roman ones usually show the creases, bald spots, uneven features, etc.). But that's a few weeks away yet.
Anyway, you inspired me to buy you a matcha, the first time I've done that on a Substack post.
I think if the meandering has a purpose, and the writer knows the endpoint ahead of time, then it can be a joy to read. But there’s way too much meandering for the sake of meandering, because a writer doesn’t know where they want to end up.
After reading your piece, I moved the statue piece up the list of upcoming topics a bit and I have started taking notes, so it shouldn’t be long. Keep an eye open!
LOVED reading this. I'm often thrown off by just HOW similar everyone ends up looking, the same plush lips, bodies and wrinkle-free faces... and I struggle to understand why we, as a society, would want this. The magic is in the uniqueness, and somehow we seem to have forgotten that.
I feel bad saying this out loud because we should never judge others on looks - the "mar-a-lago" face or its predecessor has been a red flag for women on LI for a long time for me...it just signifies that the woman's personality is having money
the wealth/status symbols drive me insane because I see them everywhere, I just don't understand them other than keeping up with other people
43 muscles in the human face are and head are exquisitely tuned to communicate with not so fine control; there is virtually no other purpose for muscles in the brow, for instance.
The vocal tract is just one muscle set in the neck we have particularly fine-grained control over.
FACS is a system for measuring and modeling gross muscle movements in the face - facial muscles have their own grammar and syntax, and you can write emotional repertoires in a way not dissimilar to music notation.
I’ve wondered for decades why I hated “video conferencing”, and it is exactly the issue you articulate. You have to wildly exaggerate any facial motion to convey even the most vague nonverbal hint. Add modification to facial muscles - padding, paralyzing, stretching - and you get nothing. An incredible vacuum.
That’s one secret to acting of course. Exaggerate everything since the camera and microphone blur so much. Opera and dramatic stage makeup have to create the wild clown faces just to be perceived. We are well-prepared to accept AI faces in film and TV - featureless and emotionless.
It’s also sex-based. Men with craggy, aged faces are iconic - Fred MacMurray, Michael Strahan, James Garner, Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem, Ving Rhames, Jon Hamm, Sean Connery, Laurence Fishburn. None want to look like cats. and aside from questionable and obvious dyes and occasional wig, they look more interesting the older they get. I think Mickey Rourke and Michael Jackson scared everyone to death. Rourke turned into Michael Meyers, and Jackson turned into Jackson.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve read it. Will now think about it nonstop. And need to read it again and again so that what I know to be true feels completely undeniable. Also, I live in Alaska (originally from the East Coast) and this is a wonderful place for reinforcing the beauty of women aging just as they are.
Love this!! Additional context re:bathing... pogroms against jewish people in europe during the bubonic plague occurred in part bc we bathed regularly and had lower infection rates as a result, brewing suspicion towards the community. A lot of contemporary plastic surgery focuses on removing ethnic features in favor of white, western european physiognomy (i.e. tiny button noses)- the connections between viewpoints & trends and racial discrimination run deep
Interestingly, the inability to show micro expressions also leads to a loss of empathy, because one aspect of empathy is that we inadvertently mimic the emotional expressions of others, and that impacts our brain and emotions. This to me is actually the most disturbing aspect of the botox trend.
I have wondered if this is part of the point— the unreadability— it’s a literal mask
Whoaaa that’s a pretty interesting take!!
100%! I’ve been learning a lot about mirror neurons recently so i assume this falls under this? Interestingly i had read your point elsewhere before but didn’t pair the two together.
I had this thought as well! The more we interact with a lack of micro expressions, the less sensitive we will be when we encounter them or are even able to identify them at all, leading to a decreased emotional sensitivity to others
I wonder the impact this will have on crucial developmental stages and bonding with infants. So many things take place when the caregiver attunes and mirrors back the affect and emotional states of the child.
A frozen face through botax and cosmetic modifications isn’t too far off from the flat affect and expressionless faces of a depressed and numb parent, which definitely impacts the relationship and the developing child.
Oh wow - such a good point. Scary!
I've been thinking about this as well!! You've sharply pointed it out and if I may add, apart from bonding, what are the children of people who have had plastic surgery implicitly learning about beauty? More than that, they might be learning that their features are not "beautiful" if they can't see the resemblance to their parents.
The graph in the article is disturbing. But maybe all of the procedures are part of that issue too. Maybe men are not properly perceiving age? Or maybe it’s just creepiness?
I’ve forget that I’ve read that too. While maybe innate, no less disturbing lol.
Fantastic point. I think the underdeveloped brain adds to the appeal perhaps? Someone to mold. Le sigh.
Yep, this formed part of my training as a (creative, embodied) psychotherapist - taking on the facial expression and bodily position of others allows us to better feel what they may be feeling beyond words.
Also interesting, and sort of a bummer is that when I did get my angry ll s Botoxed, just a little, people treated me a lot better. Like, people actually smiled at me on the street after I left the Botox place. I’m not making this up.
I do spend 375 about 2-3 times a year to get those pissed off looking lines soothed. I still have a lot of age and sag and lines on my 57 year old face. Just thought this little experiment was worth noting. 👍.
Thank you for raising this, once I got my 11s done I stopped getting feedback at work that my facial expressions revealed my thoughts too easily, in other words, Botox helped give me a poker face lol
Well, hopefully you still have some movement there. But I was truly amazed at how not having a resting face that looked angry made others nicer towards me… makes sense really. I don’t see Botox, done lightly in the same category as filler, though I am told it can be done so that it isn’t insane,,,. But I’ll just stick to the tiny Botox twice a year:)
I do have some! I think if we use any one expression too much, for me frowning, Botox can just help correct that a little without making us totally expressionless. I look and sometimes feel less angry/worried without the 11’s. Mine are genetic, my moms are etched in her face far beyond Botox so she encouraged me to get ahead of it.
that's sweet of your mom to give you the heads up!
Oh yes - the one thing I liked when I tried Botox was that my husband stopped telling me I looked worried...
Oh that is funny…hahah. better than looking like a total witch, I suppose…and old and cranky…
Yeah - but I stopped doing the botox. And am separating from my husband ;-)
That is a wonderful twist to your story! Made me laugh. I hope you’re doing well, though all joking aside.
That is a wonderful twist to your story! Made me laugh. I hope you’re doing well, though all joking aside.
I think it's disturbing that a study proved people see you as less human and less empathetic if they know you have had plastic surgery. It comes at a social cost due to the stigma against it that you're perpetuating
The study was about Botox, not about plastic surgery.
I want to read this every day until it becomes embedded within my being, until I can look in the mirror and feel completely peaceful - excited even - at the story of time gradually unfolding on my face.
Thank you, Erin. Honestly, me too
I’m not an Erin, but I feel that way too
You do have Erin inside your name, though...
😂good catch! I never noticed that.
😂
You gotta do affirmations while holding eye contact with yourself in the mirror. Then I hug myself sometimes, or I do a lil dance or I prove I’m not an NPC and make really insane faces in the mirror. Then I smile and admire, then walk away. It takes time.
As a fellow Erin, drawing portraits really helped me. Faces are so interesting and complex just like language.
As do I
We don't really have elders in our culture anymore - we mostly have old people. Almost all of the old people I know chase leisure and comfort for themselves. But they don't live in service to others. Whereas, an elder is someone advanced in age who, as evidenced by how they live, it is apparent they love the unborn future whom they will never meet.
What does this have to do with aging? Wrinkles don't indicate wisdom these days. I stayed in a condo complex in Hawaii that attracts boomers. The old people there spent their time reading trashy romance novels and complaining about the height of the grass. The chit chats I had with them in the communal hot tub were about the ways they like to amuse themselves and whether it was pleasing to them or not. There was no depth in these old people; they just talked about themselves and seemed to have no interest in what sort of world they are leaving behind.
Wrinkles, in general, no longer signal the ability to give guidance to a floundering young person. Wrinkles don't tell the young: "Come to me for advice, I will listen. I will help you. I care about you" Since most people are not growing into elders - they're just getting old - of course wrinkles are terrifying! There are a few exceptions of people who age into true elders - like violins that sound more beautiful with each passing year. It's a tragedy really - so many old people who never grew into wisdom, depth, or the ability to guide the young in directions that lead to wisdom, joy, and depth. It's like they never came of age.
Mister Rogers was a true elder... but I struggle to think of anyone else in recent history who was.
Omg YES. 1000%
The distinction between old people and elders is so important
76 here. I live in a retirement community of about 2000 people aged 60 and up. There are people I could have babysat for, and people old enough to be my parents. Many of us see ourselves as elders, but popular culture and the people who believe popular culture keep trying to push us into being “old”, not to mention silly, childlike, clueless and ugly. The solution is, as with all stereotypes, to critique, interrogate, and resist. Someday you will be the person that ageism has taught you to hate.
I am 68. I am starting to think that retirement communities narrow our exposure and experiences so that we can make our selves irrelevant simply through exclusion. I am definitely religious but apart from going to church because I believe in the Triune God and desire His gifts, I realize that this group of people includes all ages and also diverse income groups and we care for each other. We also, sometimes in this care, tolerate each other, because we realize our bond is bigger than our annoyances and is what it means to live in faith towards God.
I do both. I have friends from several “elder” generations in my community (a very diverse population of over 2,000 individuals) and continuing relationships with people of all ages through my religious, ftf, and correspondence communities. The small town we lived in before moving here was, oddly enough, more siloed. Not all communities - retirement and otherwise - are alike. Just like people!
Thanks for the reply and insight:)
I am enjoying the engagement here, Trudy. Deciding where to live at any stage of life is a challenge, isn’t it? It feels like musical chairs sometimes. At some point there are no more options, and you hope that last chair is a good one.
To life a life focused on leisure and retirement would be such a privilege. And to have enough money to live in a community of people all doing that. We youngers can't even imagine such luxury.
The term elder is an interesting one - it is not a title one can give themselves - it is bestowed upon someone by the youngers.
thank you, Jo. This really resonates.
But how can we discern who is worthy of the title of “elder” if we dismiss a person with wrinkles as “merely old” and assume they are not worth knowing better? I described my living situation to explain the context of my observation of its diversity, not to flaunt my privilege. I have the opportunity to meet with hundreds of people who are all “old” in very different ways. Some of my neighbors are the way you describe yours in Hawaii, but I will tell you a secret. Retirement doesn’t make a wise, giving person into a lazy, shallow curmudgeon, nor does just being old. They were probably always materialistic and shallow, long before they became older. Yes, people can grow in wisdom as long as they are alive. I consider those who do, even when society ignores or discards them because they are no longer young to be “elders”. I hope that’s what I am becoming, wrinkles and all.
Wisdom must be learnt yes, but in current cultures each generation is so cut off from the other that we are unable to see who the wise are. Wrinkles and grey hair do not mean old. Age fifty and sixty doesn’t mean old. Old doesn’t mean the same type of person. It never has. Elders are respected for their wisdom not because they are just old.
Jimmy Carter
Yes! What a treasure he was. Agree to agree!
Our adolescent society has stopped producing elders… have you read Bill Plotkin? He’s written a thesis for human development in “Nature and the Human Soul” that explains why this is, and offers an alternative from a spiritual/indigenous perspective rooted in nature. Curious your thoughts!
Thank you for the rec! I'm going to check it out, and maybe write an essay on this one day.
A thought that occurs to me now that I have a daughter who looks just like me--how will it feel for Anne Hathaway or Emma Stone or the Kardashians when their daughters start to look like their mothers did before all of the plastic surgery?
As a mom, I imagine that it will be (maybe already is) painful for them to look at their daughters who they love so much, but whom they no longer resemble because they've altered their faces with surgery. And when their daughter complains about her small eyes or big nose or whatever - how can mom tell her daughter that she's beautiful just the way she is?
It makes me really sad.
I agree! Also, I think about the fact that young children learn empathy by reading their parents’ micro-expressions and I wonder how this is affecting so many little kids growing up with a parent with a frozen face.
Frozen face and buried in their phones…
Must be bad for emotional intelligence too, just when we need it more than ever.
It makes me feel really bad for people like Kylie Jenner, who has a mother with a drastically altered face and was pushed into getting plastic surgery when she was really young. Some crazy age like 14 or 15. And sure, she can dry her tears with $100 bills. She has virtually unlimited resources to “deal” with the emotional problems this likely causes, but I doubt she’s the only one in this situation
There’s a thousand other girls who got these procedures and didn’t become rich and famous. I remember watching documentary on Venezuelan beauty pageants years ago and they had a huge segment talking about how damaging the rampant plastic surgery is. Many young girls die from complications even in routine surgeries
I think about the lawn thing ALL THE TIME! Fuck lawns! It is interesting that you compare it to plastic surgery, essentially. Injecting Botox into your face and putting pesticides on the lawn are very similar actions... contaminating nature with poisons. I am 48 and I've been getting Botox, on and off, since I was 44. Now I'm thinking of giving it up, not just because of your post, but other things I've read recently. It seems very courageous to me to embrace aging naturally.
And what's so funny about lawns - and makes Erin's point perfectly - is that the descendants of the people who invented lawns as a status symbol, are now rewilding as a... status symbol. This 2001 Tatler article is literally titled: How Embracing Sustainability Became the New Status Symbol. https://www.tatler.com/gallery/sustainable-landowners-aristocrats-rewilding Meanwhile, in my pretty solidly middle class urban neighborhood people, many of whom are first generation homeowners, invest so much of their time, labor and money making sure their little individual patches of land are permanently green, perfectly manicured, and bug free.
In the interest of maintaining a healthy and vibrant expression, I've started (a bit late) a skincare routine that avoids anything to do with needles-- and Peaches skin care has been hugely helpful for me; I haven't even tried any of the products yet, but the woman who owns the company is a lovely person, and gives such helpful and meaningful advice.
Yes, I know I sound sponsored in saying this, but it's truly been the best source of information and guidance I've encountered so far-- she's all about natural beauty and embracing your own unique features/experience.
"How can there ever be a Crone when everyone is obsessed with staying the Maiden?" Wow, what a line.
This was lovely and prescient. I always look to Isabella Rossellini as my guide for beautiful aging, she has done very little to alter her appearance as she grows older and predominantly talks about her sheep farm. What a great way to advance in age!
I'm lucky (?) enough to look significantly younger than I am. I'm in my mid-30s and often get mistaken for a teenager or early 20-something. I know there's a lot of privilege to looking younger, but there are also lots of drawbacks. People often talk to me in a way that seems slightly condescending -- I don't think it's malicious, but the knowledge and experiences you assume a 35-year-old has are different than those you assume a 21-year-old has. It's been an ongoing struggle to be taken seriously in my career, and I even wonder if clients believe me when I say I have 15 years of experience in my field. I'm also recently out of a relationship and curious how it will affect dating -- do I want to date the type of man who wants a woman who looks 15 years younger than himself?
I'm curious if women doing cosmetic surgery and treatments experience these same issues.
That’s so interesting and honestly I think it’s part of a broader discussion about how we treat women in general.
I’m in the same boat—a couple of years ago I got told under 16s get a discount to the botanical garden I was buying a ticket for. I was 35 at the time. It seems like it’s a welcome predicament to find yourself in, but the truth is I often feel like it makes me an unserious person. Say I’m wearing more “adult” clothes—I end up worrying they make me look like boss baby. But I don’t want to wear “younger” clothes because they just reinforce the idea that I’m younger than I am. And it may seem trivial but I feel like it is, in a way, an obstacle to showing up authentically in the world as myself. I wonder how many people get plastic surgery and feel completely removed from themselves.
I love this comment, and also I'm sorry you have to deal with that. One of my favorite things about getting older and looking older is that people, especially men, talk to me more respectfully.
I know this is a pretty old post now but your comment really resonated with me. While getting older may make women less sexually desirable (from society’s pov), I do think it also comes with being more respected and taken much more seriously in other facets of life, like professionally.
I loved this article. I personally love getting older, and although I'd be lying if I said I never thought about changing something (not my face, though), I still maintain that natural is beautiful. You make an excellent point with "If you don’t know what you value, the world will make up your mind for you". We are told that we must look a certain way to be valued. I call BS on that. Be your unique, beautiful self and live your truth. Really great writing!
Yes! And what’s wild is that this standard is being set by people with wildly different values
I know I'm not your intended audience with this piece, but I found it fascinating! I love smart, meandering writing where you can just put yourself in the writer's hands and feel confident it'll be an interesting trip.
I already knew the reason behind powdered wigs, but never thought about lawns and certainly never made the leap to plastic surgery. Brava!
I know it's different for men, but I struggle sometimes with the aging process. Ultimately, though, I'm facing it with more grace as time passes. I'm actually working on a post about the differences between Greek and Roman statues on this theme (most Greek statues of elites erase wrinkles and imperfections; Roman ones usually show the creases, bald spots, uneven features, etc.). But that's a few weeks away yet.
Anyway, you inspired me to buy you a matcha, the first time I've done that on a Substack post.
Thank you so much! That means a lot considering the meandering nature of the piece was the reason it almost didn’t see the light of day 🥴
Also, it’s definitely starting to trickle into men! I’d love to see that piece when you’re done!
I think if the meandering has a purpose, and the writer knows the endpoint ahead of time, then it can be a joy to read. But there’s way too much meandering for the sake of meandering, because a writer doesn’t know where they want to end up.
After reading your piece, I moved the statue piece up the list of upcoming topics a bit and I have started taking notes, so it shouldn’t be long. Keep an eye open!
LOVED reading this. I'm often thrown off by just HOW similar everyone ends up looking, the same plush lips, bodies and wrinkle-free faces... and I struggle to understand why we, as a society, would want this. The magic is in the uniqueness, and somehow we seem to have forgotten that.
I feel bad saying this out loud because we should never judge others on looks - the "mar-a-lago" face or its predecessor has been a red flag for women on LI for a long time for me...it just signifies that the woman's personality is having money
the wealth/status symbols drive me insane because I see them everywhere, I just don't understand them other than keeping up with other people
appreciate the historical dive!
Lovely essay.
43 muscles in the human face are and head are exquisitely tuned to communicate with not so fine control; there is virtually no other purpose for muscles in the brow, for instance.
The vocal tract is just one muscle set in the neck we have particularly fine-grained control over.
FACS is a system for measuring and modeling gross muscle movements in the face - facial muscles have their own grammar and syntax, and you can write emotional repertoires in a way not dissimilar to music notation.
https://www.cs.cmu.edu/~face/facs.htm?utm_source=chatgpt.com
I’ve wondered for decades why I hated “video conferencing”, and it is exactly the issue you articulate. You have to wildly exaggerate any facial motion to convey even the most vague nonverbal hint. Add modification to facial muscles - padding, paralyzing, stretching - and you get nothing. An incredible vacuum.
That’s one secret to acting of course. Exaggerate everything since the camera and microphone blur so much. Opera and dramatic stage makeup have to create the wild clown faces just to be perceived. We are well-prepared to accept AI faces in film and TV - featureless and emotionless.
It’s also sex-based. Men with craggy, aged faces are iconic - Fred MacMurray, Michael Strahan, James Garner, Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem, Ving Rhames, Jon Hamm, Sean Connery, Laurence Fishburn. None want to look like cats. and aside from questionable and obvious dyes and occasional wig, they look more interesting the older they get. I think Mickey Rourke and Michael Jackson scared everyone to death. Rourke turned into Michael Meyers, and Jackson turned into Jackson.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve read it. Will now think about it nonstop. And need to read it again and again so that what I know to be true feels completely undeniable. Also, I live in Alaska (originally from the East Coast) and this is a wonderful place for reinforcing the beauty of women aging just as they are.
The Sneetches
YES
Love this!! Additional context re:bathing... pogroms against jewish people in europe during the bubonic plague occurred in part bc we bathed regularly and had lower infection rates as a result, brewing suspicion towards the community. A lot of contemporary plastic surgery focuses on removing ethnic features in favor of white, western european physiognomy (i.e. tiny button noses)- the connections between viewpoints & trends and racial discrimination run deep