become the main character
what I finally learned from years of consuming self-development content
I’m a mess.
It’s true.
And not a silly, disorganized, endearing sitcom-y kind of way.
It’s more of a: didn’t do a lick of self-inquiry about who I am, what I like, what my purpose is, and what I actually want to do and be until my late 20s, kind of way.
And since my consciousness started to come online (I call it the NPC to main character pipeline), it’s been a never-ending stream of self-development content ever since.
Naturally.
And I won’t lie to you—I LOVE the self-development genre.
It’s such an interesting peak inside the depths of the human experience, and breeds some of the most beautiful prose ever written (I would even argue that most poetry fits inside this genre, in a round-about way).
As a genre of writing, self-help is pretty undeniable.
But does it help?
And I think a lot of people who love self-help would agree. There’s a certain stuck-ness that the archetype of the person who guzzles self-help embodies. They know all the people, all the books, all the podcasts. And there, they stay.
People gravitate towards self-development because they’ve hit some sort of rock bottom in their life, whether it’s in love, friendship, career, or self-confidence… they hope that within the pages of the next book is some golden nugget of life-changing advice. And if it’s not in this book, it’s definitely in the next one.
It’s a genre that preys on the human dopamine system like no other genre can. In 200 pages there are maybe a few sentences that really hit you like a ton of bricks. So you keep reading. And you pick up another to get that same fleeting “epiphany” feeling. And another.
And another.
But here’s the problem: epiphany-to-epiphany, nothing changes.
Why?
Because when we’re immersed in learning and consuming content about any subject, self-help most of all, we can confuse consumption with making actual change. Because our mind is always there and we’re thinking about it all the time, we conflate that with taking the steps in real life to make the changes necessary to climb up out of rock bottom.
But to make real, lasting change, you need to fundamentally change what’s happening in your brain. You need to form new neural networks and change your default mode network (where your brain automatically drifts to when you’re at rest—who you are at your most basic, subconscious level). And consuming content is a piss-poor way of getting there.
Pretend with me for a moment that you don’t know how to tie your shoes. So in preparation you watch videos and read instructions—you’ve got it. You’re certain you’re going to nail it on the first try. You sit down with your shoes and… nothing. You’re fingers clumsily fumble with the laces. Spending all that time learning about tying your shoes ended up being a total waste of time. Turns out, there’s no substitution for just doing the thing the you’re trying to do.
Speaking from experience, this is especially pertinent to perfectionistic types. We want to have all of the information before we start, to leave no stone unturned, to minimize even the slightest potential that we’ll fail. But there’s no substitute for experience and no better teacher than failure.
So I propose something different. A self-help alternative, if you will.
Be the main character.
Think about every great piece of storytelling you’ve ever consumed—be it a book, a movie, or a TV show.
Without fail, there’s some conflict that the main character has to overcome. They are forced into action to overcome it, and they are somehow changed by the end (it’s what we in the biz call character development).
Why should self-development be any different?
Can you imagine if Bilbo Baggins wanted to “do the work” to become the type of person who goes on daring adventures before running out his front door? Read a few more books for inspiration, and did a little journaling about how he was feeling and if he was ready? Meditated on it?
The opportunity would pass and he would never leave.
But also; what a boring-ass story.
Don’t get me wrong, practices like reading, journaling, and meditating are great—I would recommend them to anyone—but without pairing them with action, it can start to feel like you’re just spinning your wheels.
Courage doesn’t breed action; action breeds courage.
So instead, I offer you this:
Be the main character.
Embark on your quest.
Move through the conflict.
Let the journey change you.
Get out of your head and move the plot forward by engaging in the story that is your life.
Oh I love this! As someone who also took to self development I found myself going down a rabbit hole of “fixing myself”. When the true work came from actually living my life. It was a breath of fresh air when that realization hit.
I love your honesty and conversational style writing. It feels like talking to a very dear friend with no judgements, it’s fantastic. So glad I found your page